Story time when I was a child my school teachers labeled me as aproblem child becuase I didnt learn at the same pace as others I was expelled from one school and didnt renter the education system again for nearly a year through out this time I was stamented as being dyslexic school has never been a great place for me from bullying to being told by a teacher at the age of 12 that I would never amount to anything inlife has alway affected me in two ways its affected my self confidence in how good I am at things I have a tendancy .
to give up on things when they become too hard for me which becomes aggravates me in a lot of ways I don’t want to be that person that gives up at the first. hurdle so I have been slowly working . on bettering this part of my self.
however, that black dog depression always seems . to want . to rear its ugly head to try . and put the dampeners on this depersion can be like a nice comfy blanket that. you have had . for years it’s easier . to fall back into bad habits than it is to make new ones.
all of this comes. together . to make a perfect storm of self-doubt and social anxiety writing is great but I very rarely post on my blog because my spelling and grama is really bad I wish it was better I want to be able . to throw a switch . in my head and measure that everything fits. but it never does for me writing. as a dyslexic . can be a dusting. experience of trying to remember. how . to spell and. wanting to get. all the. thoughts in. your . head . down on “paper” I love . to write but I also hate it. at the same. time as I have always been. ridiculed for how bad my spelling and grama is.
even. with spelling. checkers . and software lie Grammarly it can be hard I feel its a process of writing them. re-reading. and. writing. what I have. written out.
Again I feel. annoyed with my self that. something that so many . take . for granted is. something that seems . to escape me a lot of the time.
I hope going forward that I can keep this up and improve my writing skills as I go I have always wondered if how writing feels . to others if it is just dyslexia. a thing or do others find spelling and grammar things that are hard. to grasp.
Things I Love about it
1.I’m my own boss
I set my hours I work when I want and where I want now this can have both positive and negative effects some times this means I over work my self
2. I can chose what projects I work on
I Don’t have to have projects handed to me and work on my part of it then sign off and thats it Im there from start to finish of the project
3. I’m not tide to a desk all day
I can work any where that I can get a wifi signal in the past i have edited videos in coffee shops and worked on websites on trains I have even worked on my own sofa
4.I only have to work with others when I want or need to
I have become a bit on a recluse of late and this is because a lot of the time Being in a room full of people babbling away can distract me and I find it some times hard to concentrate
5.the creative freedom
since being self employed I have felt that I have become more creative and have had more time to sit and think on things that I want to do
What I Don’t love about it
1. chasing invoices
as part of being self employed you are going to have to send out invoices to customers this isn’t a problem I use a great system called wave for most of my work out side of people per hour and for people per hour its mostly dealt with by there systems but the one thing i hate having to do it chase delinquent invoices that have not been paid by clients its a bit of a bug bear of mine.
2. being overworked
this can sometime be a good thing but I think something that I still have to learn about being self employed is setting boundaries for when I should work and when I shouldn’t.
3. not having enough work
being self employed can have its peaks and troughs meaning that one month I can have lots of work on and the next I can find my self just getting the required amount in I hate these times because they can lead to self doubt but yet again I think this is down more to time management than any thing else
4. finding a good work life balance
I only put this in the hate section as I find it a bit of a struggle but i assume I shall figure this out in time as I am only early on in my self employed Journey.
5. feeling unsure about the future
as any one who has ever started there own business or become self employed will know one of the most scary things can be letting go of the safe net that a monthly wage brings
I was reading the spoon theory by Christine Miserandino on her site www.butyoudontlooksick.com and was thinking how this applied to a situation I had last year and is still on going with the local council and my council tax where I live they had made a decision that if I was able to sign in at the job centre for JSA and get a business up and running for a period of nearly 4 months that i should have been well enough to be able to get my claim for council tax benefit in on time ( to be honest at the time I was very low on spoons and was barely getting out of bed most mornings).
how ever for various reasons including a really bad bout of depression which had been affecting me since january of last year and had come and gone for the for the whole year and to be honest still is holding on for dear life rather like the black dog cartoon. I had also broken up with my ex who has taken me and my finances for a bit of a joy ride to say the least and I m having to service various debts created by him. I’m getting a little off point here though.
So the issues is that the council says that I should have been able to get my claim in for council tax benefit with no hassle at all I’m sorry I don’t think this is the case at the time my “Spoon Count” was very low to say the least and as said before I was barely getting out of bed in the morning a majority of the time I spelt though whole days I was working from bed when I could to be honest the last thing on my mind was getting out of the house and going to the city council hall to get extra stuff sorted but unfortunately it would appear that my case has been dealt with yet again by somebody who has no idea about mental health and how it affects a person slow clap to that individual there.
if any one is reading this out there how do you find you deal with mental of physical illness do you use spoon theory to explain your situations or do you have another method please let me knowI’m always interested in how others deal with these things .
Thanks to a friend of mine Kat for introducing me to spoon theory.
I’ve been thinking for a while about an idea of setting a topic for a story and then getting a group of my friends to write there own piece for each subject thats come up with they would only need to be short storys nothing longer and a few pages around 2000 words and repeat this every few months with a view of binding all of the best ones into to a collected works.
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So as any body knows me knows I’m dyslexic A reasonably well functioning dyslexic but still dyslexic I go through life with a few little bumps here and there a few hiccups in life’s little play so my handwriting is awful I will total agree i Have always wanted beautiful handwriting but it has never happened if I slow to a crawl with my hand writing I get a passable Dr’s scrawl I would say and my spelling leaves a lot to be desired.
This brings me to the point of this post for years and years I was told by hosts of people from teachers at my secondary school to certain adults not to be named here and hosts of others that I would never amount to anything or I cant wright or I’m just plain crap at things well I have many a thing to say to these nay Sayers but all are not polite so what would be the point in that .
Now I wont pretend that this has not affected my self esteem or my self worth because that would be a lie because it has for many a year now there is always a niggle of self doubt in the back of my mind that says you are not good enough you wont amount to any thing or this is crap.
On one hand this has strengthened my resolve recently to prove these people wrong and stick up a finger and say sod yer I can do it and that’s what I Hope I can move forward and do from now on
and two all those that said I couldn’t write well I Beg to differ.
So here’s to self progress and improving one’s self.